


To The Ones We Left Behind

by LapakiALaMode



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Custom Shepard (Mass Effect), Earth Born Shepard (mass effect), F/M, Joker deserved better, POV Third Person Limited, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:00:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29291763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LapakiALaMode/pseuds/LapakiALaMode
Summary: Joker and Shepard don't start off exactly on the right foot, but her humor soon wins him over and they find joy in the small routine they carve out amongst the chaos that comes with saving the universe. Between early cups of coffee and crude jokes, they find peace.Welcome to a nostalgic look at the relationship between Joker and Shepard during Mass Effect 1
Relationships: Jeff "Joker" Moreau/Female Shepard
Comments: 8
Kudos: 15





	To The Ones We Left Behind

_ If you stare into the abyss long enough, eventually, the abyss stares back. _

It was something Estil had heard before of course, everyone had, but never before now had she felt its meaning resonate so deeply in her soul, like the thrum of a drum in an endless cave. She had seen the stars stretch above her in those endless nights she had spent on the streets, and they had gotten closer during training and her first years in the military, but never before had she felt like if she just stretched her hand out she might be able to brush the tips of her fingers against their soft edges and send star dust drifting across the abyss.

And stretch her hand did. Pealing itself from the side of her mug, Estil’s hand reached out across the space of the cockpit and hovered in the empty, cold air.

Realizing what she had done so instinctively, Estil had no choice but to laugh at herself. Huffing a quiet chuckle, she withdrew her hand and tucked it securely back around her coffee mug.

“Don’t know if they taught you this in school, Commander, but the stars aren’t actually close enough for you to touch.”

The dry remark made Estil bristle, her broad shoulders tensing. Turning, she looked back to see her pilot standing at the cusp of the cockpit. He raised a brow at her, his own coffee cup in one hand while the other hung lazily at his side. He raised a brow.

“You can’t tell me you didn’t hear me coming.” He said. “With my shuffling it’s not like I’m exactly sneaky.”

But she hadn’t, in fact, heard him coming at all.

“Guess I was just that lost in my own thoughts.” She said. “Besides, it’s not like I’m preparing to get jumped over my morning cup of coffee.”

She stepped out of the way, squeezing herself into the tiny passage as tightly as she could to allow for Joker to pass by. He did so, only slightly wincing at the quicker, more normal, pace he took. Once he was in his chair, he let himself rest back into the familiar leather cushions, feeling the pressure lift from his bones. Cup resting on his arm chair, he swiveled it so he could look back to his commander.

“There’s your first mistake.” He said. “That’s exactly when people will plan to get you.”

“Is that so? Tell me, Mister Moreau, which people exactly would that be?”

He tapped the side of his nose. “That’s for me to know, and for you to find out.” And he paused, his dry smile fading. “And it’s Joker, Commander.”

Estil gave a small nod, a mark of her mental note. “Well, thanks for the heads up Joker – and it’s nice to officially meet you. I know I didn’t really get a chance to the other day and-“

“Let me stop you there, Commander.” He said. “I get it, you’re trying to get people to like you, but here’s the thing: you don’t need to try and schmooze me up. Just let me do my job and we’ll be fine.”

And Estil paused. She looked at him for a long moment, and in those mossy eyes she saw something familiar in a way that made her heart ache just a little bit. Taking a sip of her still steaming coffee, she stepped back.

“If you thought that was me trying to butter you up Joker, you’re about to be either really disappointed or really pleased.” And with that, she turned. “I’ll get coordinates sent your way once the ship starts waking up.”

And Joker watched her go, the sound of her steps so sure and solid that he understood just from that alone why people followed her. Truth be told, he wasn’t sure what to feel about their interaction. He didn’t exactly expect the best from the Alliance brass that let him fly or the ones they sent on his ship. More often than not, the big wigs ignored him and if they didn’t do that, they pandered to him like he was some kind of a tamagotchi they needed to keep happy. But Shepard, something about her had felt different - and before he had clammed up, their conversation had been pretty fun.

And that was exactly why he had to take a match to it.

With a sigh meant for no one but himself, he turned back around and faced the endless sea of stars that stretched far and beyond what he could ever hope to comprehend. There, in the cockpit of the Normandy, alone and in silence, Joker felt at home.

He wondered if he’d find her like that again, he realized, as he returned to the cockpit once the next sleep cycle was over. He had heard her on the bay through the day, had heard her laughing with Alenko and Ashley, even chumming it up with Garrus of all people - if anyone could get a stick out of that guy’s ass it was probably her - but she didn’t approach. The directions she gave were done so via the net, like was so standard, and Joker wasn’t exactly the sort to go searching for people around the ship. Between his legs and his general distaste of others it was easy to see how he’d get stuck in his little bubble from dawn till dusk.

And besides, it wasn’t like he cared enough to go looking for the Commander.

And besides even that, it wasn’t like she’d have the ability to give him the time of day anyway. Anytime he heard her she was always in a rush, her steps fast and her words faster - whatever she was doing on the ground, whatever all of them were doing, it was important and dangerous and man he really wanted to know what was actually happening.

It wasn’t often Joker regretted his self isolation, but this was one of those times.

She didn’t come back the next day, or the day after that, and just as Joker was starting to think he had imagined the whole thing in some weird (really weird) day dream, she was there. Only, this time she wasn’t standing beside his chair at the console, rather, she was sitting in it.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to let me get the drop on you again, Commander.” He said.

She turned the chair, spinning it to look at him. Her legs came to rest outstretched before her, her ankles crossed over one another so easily. She was pretty, he realized, even in just the standard Alliance blues. It wasn’t her body that made her pretty, he thought - even though, okay, that did really  _ help _ the situation, but her face. The warmth of her brown eyes made her look approachable, human in a way he wasn’t used to seeing, and he was surprised he hadn’t noticed it before.

“Not this time Joker, I’ve got your number.” She said, tapping her own nose.

“You’re telling me a girl finally has my number and I don’t even remember giving it to her? Shit, guess I’ve got more game than I realized.” He found himself leaning against the wall leading up to the cockpit, the metal cold though his uniform. He’d never admit it, but sometimes the walk from his bed to the cockpit took about all he had. “You waiting for me or something?”

“Not in particular.” She said. Peeling herself out of the chair, she moved instead to plop herself in the co-pilot’s seat beside it. The seat in question had been empty for some time - Joker’s co-pilot really seemed to do everything they could to keep from being in the salty man’s presence. “Just wanted a quiet place to have a cup of coffee.”

“What, and the mess hall isn’t good enough for you?” He asked.

That sounded harsher than he had meant it to.

“Oh the mess hall’s fine, I just find I get a better view when I’m up here.”

And Joker, who had just sat down, stopped. Brows furrowing below his cap, he looked to his Commander. He thought he might find her gazing lovingly out at the stars but, no, she was looking directly at him. His lips parted slightly, a mess of words on his tongue, and then she grinned.

Her eyes weren’t the only warm thing about her, apparently.

“Oh haha, very funny Commander.” He spun to face the consol. “You know I can tell the brass what you said and get you written up for harassment.”

“Ouch, pulling the I’ll Tell Dad Card so soon? Man if you do that I guess I’ll just have to let them know about the video games you play while piloting a multi trillion unit war ship.”

The sound Joker made was nothing short of goblin-esque. The coffee he had been attempting to drink sputtered, burning both his upper lip and splashing out to stain his shirt. Both his ego and his body had been damaged in one blow.

“What? How did you-”

She pointed, and following the line of her finger Joker found himself staring at the main screen of the consol where the evidence of his sins were all too apparent. The pause screen was still on full display. He blanched, and just as panic started to really set in, she spoke.

“I’m joking, man. You do a good job, you’re one of the best fly boys in the Alliance - why should I care what you do in what down time you get? I’m here to serve the Alliance, not breathe over your shoulder waiting for you to fuck up.” She said. Leaning back, she stretched her legs out one more time and let them rest on the dashboard.

Joker watched her before slowly easing back into his own seat. Mug cupped in his hands, he let it rest lightly on his chest as he stared out. He had thought she might say more, might try and fill the silence, but she didn’t.

Neither did he.

The moment stretched on, the hum of the Normandy and space surrounding them as they finished what would become their morning ritual. Once her cup was empty, Estil stood. She gave the shoulder of his chair a pat as she went to leave.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Joker.”

And that was it.

She came back the day after that, and the one after that, and on and on until Joker found himself chatting freely with her. He’d ask about her latest scrap and she’d bother him about the nuances of his job alway seeming ever amazed with his answers no matter how technical they got. 

“So,” he said one morning, “that mug you’ve got.”

“What about it?” She asked.

He nodded at it and she shifted her hands to look at the mug in question. It was a simple thing, big and perfectly shaped with the words  _ 1# Sister _ printed into either side of it.

He gave a wave of his hand. “You know. Do you have siblings?”

It was quite possibly the first personal thing either one of them had asked and in spite of the collective hours they had spent together, it still felt taboo. She was not only his Commander after all, but  _ The Commander Shepard _ , first human Spector and N7 war vet.

“Oh.” She paused, folding her fingers so she could run her thumb over the old lettering. “Uh, kind of. I don’t have any biological siblings or, like, step siblings either I guess. My best friend gave me this mug.”

Joker had seen a lot of smiles by now, but never one quite like this. He almost didn’t want to ask what he did.

“Your best friend, huh? What are they like?”

“Oh man she’s the smartest girl you’ll ever meet.” Estil said, not missing a beat. “Her name is Norah. We met in basic. Her, me, and this other girl Andie were bunk mates and it didn’t take long for the three of us to become the thickest of thieves.”

Joker felt the tension that had gathered in his chest release, confidence returning.

“Are they serving on other ships?” he asked.

Estil’s lips parted before she pressed them together. She looked out to the stars and found peace in the emptiness.

“You read my dossier, right?”

“I mean...not really. I kind of glanced over it to decide how much I was going to hate you before the mission started but it’s not like I slaved over it.”

She nodded. “But you’ve heard about Akuze?” The look on his face told her enough that she kept going. “Akuze was a human settlement on the outskirts of the Alliance Systems. Early in my career, the pioneer team went dark and all contact was lost. An Alliance Marine unit was sent out to investigate what happened and me, Andie, and Norah were all there. We were kind of the dream team, what with Norah and her combat dones, Andie’s devastating biotics, and my penchant to run in screaming with nothing but a shotgun and a whole lot of bravado. Our first night there we found the settlement but there wasn’t anyone left behind. We camped for the night, determined to find the cause once we had daylight on outside and…’

She stopped.

She took a breath.

Joker saw the way the veins in her hands appeared under her skin, her grip tightening on her cup before relaxing again.

“Fifty-three of us were sent out to Akuze and...I was the only one who made it back.”

“Shit.” Joker said. “Ah, I mean I just- shit. Shepard I’m so sorry I-. Shit.”

“I saw them get Andie.” She said. “The thresher maws. We weren’t ready, there were only three of them but...I tried to get her. I did everything I could. I grabbed her, you know, and I held her hands and I pulled with everything I had but not all of her came away when I did. I wanted to take her back with me, what I could, but there was too much chaos and gunfire and the ground was shaking and I dropped her while I ran. I dropped her, and she disappeared into the earth.”

Joker wet his lips. “And...Norah?”

Estil took another deep breath, one that filled the depths of her soul, and she shook her head. “I don’t know. I didn’t see her get taken and when a unit was sent back to collect the dead she wasn’t among them. I think, no, I know she’s out there somewhere, Joker. She managed to get out, and I’m going to go find her.”

Normally, Joker would have winced at the idea, maybe given a faint platitude to keep things from getting too heavy, but it was far and beyond that point now. Things were too heavy, and worst of all, he believed her.

His hand touched her shoulder, and he wasn’t sure which of the two of them was more stunned. Her head snapped to look at him and Joker felt his breath catch in his throat and just as he sat on the cusp of pulling away or leaning in, he made a decision. His hand tightened, the ghostly touch becoming firm as his fingers molded to the shape of her arm.

“You will.” He said. “And then I’ll have to ask her to tell me all of the embarrassing stories that sisters always have about one another.”

Her head tilted to the side, like she was melting into his touch, and her own hand came up to rest on his. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

And as she left that day, Joker couldn’t help but think again and again about how warm she was, how warm her hand had been, and he knew he was in trouble.

He was in trouble when she started to bring him coffee, and it didn’t help things when he learned the Great Commander Shepard took her own coffee with so much sugar it could kill a toddler. He was in trouble when, for the first time, he was coerced into actually taking his shore leave on the Citadel and when he spent the whole time stuck in a movie theater with Alenko, Ashley, Garrus, and Wrex with Shepard holding the whole motley crew together like glue.

He was in trouble when he told her about his little sister and how he still wrote to her, when he made her laugh so hard she cried for a solid three minutes, and when she ended up in the med bay with injuries so serious Alenko had come to get him so he could see her for what might have been the last time.

He was in trouble when she smiled, blood still staining her face and her eyes still hazy.

There were a lot of people he shouldn’t fall in love with, and his commanding officer was right at the top of the list, and yet he walked into that love one small mistake at a time.

Behind all of the political intrigue and loss, behind the conspiracy theory they were facing down that left them turning against the Alliance for the greater good and the loss of Ashley and the near loss of one of civilization’s greatest accomplishments, Joker found himself not thinking of the big picture at hand but the much smaller one he held close to his heart. Once all of this was over, he had decided, he’d tell her.

Or, maybe he’d just ask her out. If they got out of this alive, maybe they could do it right. He could ask her to dinner or, if that was lame, maybe a movie. She liked movies. He couldn’t exactly go do any kind of sporting thing with her, he couldn’t take her hiking along the mountains or on walks along the beach, but he could try and that was something.

But that something never came.

Sitting in the all but empty room he had been given, Joker stared down at the mug in his hand. It was empty. It had been empty for a long time now. He still couldn’t believe that, when everything was going to hell, when the ship was being shredded by monsters no one believed in, Estil had grabbed him and thrown him into an escape pod and he, of all things, had grabbed her favorite mug.

He wished he had grabbed her instead.

He ran his thumb along the lettering, his own reflection distorted in the glossy ceramic. Taking in a breath, he sat it down on the table beside his bed and grabbed his hat. Tugging it onto his head, Joker stood and limped out of his room.

The door shut behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> Oops is the Mass Effect fandom still alive or am I now the sole survivor? I hope you liked this little fic featuring everyone's favorite fly boy!


End file.
